Can't Connect With Fake.

I don’t lie. I have done, like when I covered our Jack Russel in margarine when I was three, and knew I was about to get a bollocking. Of course I tried convincing my mother that the dog did it all by himself. Otherwise, I just don’t tell lies.

This makes life easier and more uncomfortable in almost equal measures. And it affects my work.

As an over-thinker, I have of course analysed my approach to thinking. I’ve discovered that trying not to obsess over the small details, the effects of the problem, and going straight down to the roots, or principles of a subject, is far more effective. It saves a lot of time and once the core principle problems have been addressed, then the symptoms of the problem are also fixed. It’s much more efficient.

How this applies to honesty, and telling lies (one is cause, the other is effect) is crucial. Be honest with yourself and the lies stop. If the lies stop, you don’t have to be fearful. (I could go on about this for a whole essay, but not here.)

Being afraid never sat well with me. So I try to get rid of it on a daily basis. Fear is debilitating both physically and mentally. And you can’t really live like that.

I am extremely sensitive to the lies of others too, and any kind of dishonesty. I feel it.

All humans suffer loneliness at some point. The cause of loneliness is when the heart is hidden behind a big thick wall that we build around it to protect ourselves. We think we need to protect ourselves from pain, but the wall isn’t the best option. It just isolates us, causes the loneliness and suffering. I think it is by far better to be discriminatory about who we have in our lives, only allowing those who are committed to self honesty close to us.

I have tried to be as succinct here as possible.

I spent the first 25 years of my life living near or in London. It’s one of the loneliest places I’ve come across. Way worse than living in the bog! I moved to the west coast of Ireland 15 years ago this month and I’m often asked why. I’ve realised why whilst writing this: the bullshit culture of ‘I am’ back home makes me feel uneasy. It’s not real.

In Ireland, there is considerably less of it. People are more modest and that I like. Unassuming. Not flashy. More honest.

How all this relates to photography is simple. The more honest my surroundings are, the more honest my heart is, the better my work is. If I’m operating in my best, most honest and raw states, I capture more honest and beautiful images.

Over the last two years, I have noticed a massive change in my work. Of course I’ve developed new techniques and got a bit of new equipment, but that’s not what’s made the difference. (It’s like a chef getting a new knife and thinking that’s why his food tastes better. Rubbish.)

It’s purely and simply because I became more honest. I pick up my camera and let my heart take the pictures. If my heart is full of shit, I take shit pictures. If I’m feeling heartbroken and raw, I don’t have the capacity for bullshit, so I take photos with real emotion in them.

I often feel funny when my work gets a good response. Kind of sad actually, which is strange I know. So obviously i thought about this too. The sadness is because I’ve had a lifetime of not fitting in (because I’m a bit mental let’s be fair) and being rejected by people because of this. It never occurred to me to change myself to be accepted. I couldn’t even if I wanted to. I stuck to my guns and kept at it, refining and learning all the time. So for my photographs, these expressions of my heart being appreciated, is like finally being allowed to be me. Imagine that.

All this talk of honesty, leaves a great big flaw for you to jump on. My obvious propensity for living in fantasy land (again that’s another essay, but I’ll touch on it here).

I play dress up and create stories and mess about in the woods. I play with my images (not too much!) to make them more beautiful and harmonious. It could be argued that this doesn’t fit with my honest ethos.

But actually I’ve decided it’s not relevant. I don’t Photoshop a person into someone else. I remove distractions that irritate my peace. I create a landscape in my work that is real, in the way that daydreams are real. There are no lies in this. And the moods we create as a team, are real. There is no CGI. I try to work low-tech.

Basically I show the subject as how I see them, in a way maybe they cannot. Sometimes its a pure projection of my own desire, but usually I work with what is already there. It’s more useful I think.

The world I create in my work has memories and dreams in it, philosophies and hopes. Not lies. For me it’s feels like putting aloe vera gel on sunburn, a balm for how uncomfortable the world can be for those of a sensitive disposition.

Anyway, I’ve gone on long enough, I am aware of how heavy this piece is and I’m not sorry because this is how I feel today.

Next week I will write about crisps or puppies.

My First Ever Super Reluctant Blog (which is about absolutely nothing apart from the fact I'm reluctant about blogging)

I love a bit of procrastination. I really do. So much so, I schedule large chunks of it into my mental diary (Not a physical one, because I procrastinate about adding things into that too).

I have some really cool friends. Very smart, dynamic people, who seem to like me for reasons I am ill-equipped to fathom. They have been telling me for over a year about the importance of ‘content’. I know they are right, I know it is important, the problem I have with it is that I genuinely don’t like promoting myself.

I am incredibly self-conscious.

As a photographer, my job is largely to direct. Not just the creative vision, which is one big part of it for sure, but probably just as important, is directing all the people on set. I have happily taken on the role of making sure everyone is in a decent mood, feels appreciated, knows what they’re doing at all times (the more complex editorial shoots demand a lot of organising of many different components). I am very mindful of mood. Very. I am extremely sensitive to the feelings of others, to the extent that if someone is getting tired or stressed, I can feel it myself. So, I either make them laugh to lighten the load or I call time so we can all eat and recharge.

My point is (a good example of verbal procrastination for you there!) that I think way WAY more about other people than I do myself. And I am happy with it that way. I don’t like thinking about myself too much, I’m happier when I am less aware of myself if that makes sense. This is why I wear Uggs and stretchy clothes all the time, and I hardly wear makeup, because I don’t have to think about if my face has rubbed off or if my back fat is bulging out of tailored trousers.

I do not want to think about myself at all, I just want to take pictures and mess about in a field!!

And so it is with blogging. In order to do this, I have to think about myself. I have to think about what I want to say, and how it will be received by you lot. Throw in a propensity to over-analyse the shit out of everything, and you start to get an idea of why this is a challenge for me. I prefer to think about things outside of myself. But I’m going to do it anyway. Because sometimes, I do actually do as I’m told.

So I think the way this is going to go, is it will be a mixture of random stuff that I think is interesting, inspiring or funny. Sometimes it might just be about a job, I’m not sure. In any case, I would love to get some feedback on things you might like to hear me waffle on about. I will happily over-think about it for you. This first one though, this is about nothing at all. But at least I did it.

Hope you all have a great week.